Well Scott, I hadn’t really brought this up--not because I was afraid to, or that I was ashamed to... I’ve just come to the point in life where I generally try not to burden others with my little dramas and ordeals.
So first off--it’s Alabama. Second, it’s for a month; from Dec 12th to Jan 12th. We pretty much headed out the door as soon as I got my fall semester grades in, and will come back right before the start of the spring semester. Thirdly, traveling back to NC is never easy. It’s always a pain in the ass, actually. And it’s generally not enjoyable. E doesn’t know anyone. Know one knows how to best interact with her. So E tries her best, but ultimately feels uncomfortable with the prolonged exposure to strange places and strange intrusive people. Subsequently, she gets into some kind of fussy funk, and then everyone invariably rolls their eyes at the punk kid and the bad parents. And I just get tired of it.
Conversely, my parents have been involved in my brother’s kids on at least a weekly basis since they were born. This is just a function of proximity.
So last Christmas, my extended family (and us) were at MYB. And to my dismay, I saw my father actively favoring the other grandchildren. E wasn’t included--even when others (such as my mother) specifically asked him to include her. It was as if he was choosing not to include her. And as a side-note, the precursor to this was my father saying some pretty insane things--including something tantamount to “I’m not going to read a child a book unless they sit my lap. I’m just not going to do it; I’m just not going to do it.” And before MYB, we took this with a grain of salt; he’s said crazy things before, but it has all worked out. But given the reality that the other grandchildren knew him, and E did not--she was functionally excluded, as he was unwilling to reach out and include her in things. (As if a 1 year old is going to approach a stranger...) And unfortunately, this wasn’t a figment of my imagination. C witnessed it. My mother witnessed it. My grandmother even acknowledged that it was a troublesome and puzzling reality.
So fast-forward to around April or May--and my parents were trying to arrange another extended family trip to MYB. And in my head--I’m not so sold on the idea. Why put my kid in the position to be a second rate citizen? Especially given the head-to-head comparison of the preferred grandchildren that are standing right next to her for the entire week. I’m under the theory that 1 year old children can’t effectively process emotions such that personal rejection is viewed as a problem of the rejector and not the rejectee. So I sent my father an email expressing this concern. And it basically said: (1) It happened. (2) Other non-biased people witnessed it. (3) It’s likely a function of proximity. (4) I don’t feel comfortable with it. (5) If it continues, I won’t knowingly put my kid in a second-class citizen situation. (And as a kid that grew up stuttering, this is a phenomenon in which I am sensitive. A child believes about themselves what others say and exhibit; and there’s no reason to establish these negative messages.)
So to make a long protracted story shorter, my father flipped out. Initially, he tried blaming me, and called me a bad parent. His next tactical move was to suggest that this was all our fault, because we had “rules” of engagement with our child. (Rules that only existed in his head, mind you.) When this approach failed, he began to really spiral out of control. I pleaded with him to stop escalating the nonsense, that the relationship was worth saving, and that (through humility) all things could be restored. But he kept on making it worse, with comments like “It will be a cold day in hell before I come to you in humility.” He also tried to undermine my own marriage, by leaving C voicemails calling me a liar. He’s also tried emailing C to gain access to E behind my back. He honestly doesn’t see his insanity. Which I guess is a definition of insanity.
My mother essentially pleaded with me to keep giving him chances, and that he would come around. So this past summer, she set up a week for our two families to be at MYB. C supported the idea. I never liked it, but went along with it out of respect to my mother and my wife. And my father used every opportunity to act like a childish fool. I wish I was exaggerating, but other witnesses (my mother, my niece, and C) all witnessed his downward spiral. It was comical though... He would try to publicly ignore us as much as possible. When there was ample seating, he would sit next to C and turn his back to her. If you asked him something, he wouldn’t respond. For a weeks time, he volitionally ignored any advance that my child made with a scowl. (Don’t know if the scowl was planned, but it was there. His behavior was entirely premeditated. He actually planned to intentionally ignore a 1 year old’s every advance as a means of getting back at me. His version would likely be something like, “I had to protect myself from Greg. So I’m forced to act like a 3rd grade girl by scowling and publicly ignoring his entire family for a weeks time.)
So twice, I tried to reach out to him. On the first night, he just sat there like a fat asshole. I tried to apologize for anything that I possibly could, even to the point of lying about it. He remained stoic. So the following attempt, I told him that I would record it on the MacBook Pro and that my mother would witness it. And so that happened, it was perhaps one of the most lopsided psychological smackdowns of all time. Throughout this ordeal, I’ve come to realize that his emotional maturity is approximately that of a 3rd grade girl. My whole game-plan was to demonstrate divine patience and grace, and I really believe that God gave me the strength to do so. Anyway--he would cite some irrational nonsense (such as the “rules” argument detailed above). I would reply with common sense. He would shut-up. Anyway--I allowed him his festivus airing of grievances, replying with graceful common sense... and inso doing undermined his perspective and made him look foolish if anyone were present. (Mother and a computer not withstanding.) The evening ended with him damning me to hell and swearing me as his enemy. So ok, that pretty much terminates the relationship.
Since then, he’s forwarded all of our email exchanges to a super-duper top-secret reviewer. He claims that he’s learned a lot. I asked him if he also told the super-duper-secret reviewer about his actions that predicated the emails or his actions at MYB. (The answer obviously being no.) I suggested that the best path forward is with professional help.
And that’s pretty much that. My job went nuts, and I just don’t have the time or energy to walk him through his dark forrest. Further, I don’t even think I can. He’s lost, and everyone sees it. He’s got some misguided righteous insanity that prohibits any forward progress.
My mother asked that we tell him of our second child, so she could make summer plans. So I did. And in that email, I actually gave him some rules this time. And the rules were essentially that he won’t have access to our children, given his current reputation for emotional abuse. But once there was a documented change of heart, which is a precursor for a change in behavior, his access would be restored.
My interpretation is that his (foolish) pride is inhibiting him from reconciliation. Which is an interesting debate--reconciliation. My mother corrects me and says that he is not emotionally capable of processing any of this. Maybe she’s right, although I would like to refuse to believe that people can’t change.
So--that’s that. We are estranging ourselves from an abusive patriarch. And as I’ve already written, I honestly wish I was making this all up. That I could simply admit to being a dufas. But I can’t. His behavior has been documented by others, and even recorded for anyone to hear. I don’t know what the final chapter will look like. I’ll likely approach him again (for the nth time) in 2009 (after tenure). Then, he’ll have the opportunity to jointly work this out via professional guidance, or continue his path of insanity. We’ll see what happens.
But in the meantime, we’re enjoying life. Doing our own thing. And we continue to receive great support from every other member in the family. The family sees everything for what it is, and copes with reality. Reality is reality, and it’s often what we make of it. I don’t like the situation, but I can’t knowingly put my child (or any child, for that matter) in an abusive situation.
I didn’t know shame until this situation, because I have never been ashamed of someone more. And I have never known boundaries until this situation, as I have since learned that boundaries function to protect us from them, as well as them from them.
So first off--it’s Alabama. Second, it’s for a month; from Dec 12th to Jan 12th. We pretty much headed out the door as soon as I got my fall semester grades in, and will come back right before the start of the spring semester. Thirdly, traveling back to NC is never easy. It’s always a pain in the ass, actually. And it’s generally not enjoyable. E doesn’t know anyone. Know one knows how to best interact with her. So E tries her best, but ultimately feels uncomfortable with the prolonged exposure to strange places and strange intrusive people. Subsequently, she gets into some kind of fussy funk, and then everyone invariably rolls their eyes at the punk kid and the bad parents. And I just get tired of it.
Conversely, my parents have been involved in my brother’s kids on at least a weekly basis since they were born. This is just a function of proximity.
So last Christmas, my extended family (and us) were at MYB. And to my dismay, I saw my father actively favoring the other grandchildren. E wasn’t included--even when others (such as my mother) specifically asked him to include her. It was as if he was choosing not to include her. And as a side-note, the precursor to this was my father saying some pretty insane things--including something tantamount to “I’m not going to read a child a book unless they sit my lap. I’m just not going to do it; I’m just not going to do it.” And before MYB, we took this with a grain of salt; he’s said crazy things before, but it has all worked out. But given the reality that the other grandchildren knew him, and E did not--she was functionally excluded, as he was unwilling to reach out and include her in things. (As if a 1 year old is going to approach a stranger...) And unfortunately, this wasn’t a figment of my imagination. C witnessed it. My mother witnessed it. My grandmother even acknowledged that it was a troublesome and puzzling reality.
So fast-forward to around April or May--and my parents were trying to arrange another extended family trip to MYB. And in my head--I’m not so sold on the idea. Why put my kid in the position to be a second rate citizen? Especially given the head-to-head comparison of the preferred grandchildren that are standing right next to her for the entire week. I’m under the theory that 1 year old children can’t effectively process emotions such that personal rejection is viewed as a problem of the rejector and not the rejectee. So I sent my father an email expressing this concern. And it basically said: (1) It happened. (2) Other non-biased people witnessed it. (3) It’s likely a function of proximity. (4) I don’t feel comfortable with it. (5) If it continues, I won’t knowingly put my kid in a second-class citizen situation. (And as a kid that grew up stuttering, this is a phenomenon in which I am sensitive. A child believes about themselves what others say and exhibit; and there’s no reason to establish these negative messages.)
So to make a long protracted story shorter, my father flipped out. Initially, he tried blaming me, and called me a bad parent. His next tactical move was to suggest that this was all our fault, because we had “rules” of engagement with our child. (Rules that only existed in his head, mind you.) When this approach failed, he began to really spiral out of control. I pleaded with him to stop escalating the nonsense, that the relationship was worth saving, and that (through humility) all things could be restored. But he kept on making it worse, with comments like “It will be a cold day in hell before I come to you in humility.” He also tried to undermine my own marriage, by leaving C voicemails calling me a liar. He’s also tried emailing C to gain access to E behind my back. He honestly doesn’t see his insanity. Which I guess is a definition of insanity.
My mother essentially pleaded with me to keep giving him chances, and that he would come around. So this past summer, she set up a week for our two families to be at MYB. C supported the idea. I never liked it, but went along with it out of respect to my mother and my wife. And my father used every opportunity to act like a childish fool. I wish I was exaggerating, but other witnesses (my mother, my niece, and C) all witnessed his downward spiral. It was comical though... He would try to publicly ignore us as much as possible. When there was ample seating, he would sit next to C and turn his back to her. If you asked him something, he wouldn’t respond. For a weeks time, he volitionally ignored any advance that my child made with a scowl. (Don’t know if the scowl was planned, but it was there. His behavior was entirely premeditated. He actually planned to intentionally ignore a 1 year old’s every advance as a means of getting back at me. His version would likely be something like, “I had to protect myself from Greg. So I’m forced to act like a 3rd grade girl by scowling and publicly ignoring his entire family for a weeks time.)
So twice, I tried to reach out to him. On the first night, he just sat there like a fat asshole. I tried to apologize for anything that I possibly could, even to the point of lying about it. He remained stoic. So the following attempt, I told him that I would record it on the MacBook Pro and that my mother would witness it. And so that happened, it was perhaps one of the most lopsided psychological smackdowns of all time. Throughout this ordeal, I’ve come to realize that his emotional maturity is approximately that of a 3rd grade girl. My whole game-plan was to demonstrate divine patience and grace, and I really believe that God gave me the strength to do so. Anyway--he would cite some irrational nonsense (such as the “rules” argument detailed above). I would reply with common sense. He would shut-up. Anyway--I allowed him his festivus airing of grievances, replying with graceful common sense... and inso doing undermined his perspective and made him look foolish if anyone were present. (Mother and a computer not withstanding.) The evening ended with him damning me to hell and swearing me as his enemy. So ok, that pretty much terminates the relationship.
Since then, he’s forwarded all of our email exchanges to a super-duper top-secret reviewer. He claims that he’s learned a lot. I asked him if he also told the super-duper-secret reviewer about his actions that predicated the emails or his actions at MYB. (The answer obviously being no.) I suggested that the best path forward is with professional help.
And that’s pretty much that. My job went nuts, and I just don’t have the time or energy to walk him through his dark forrest. Further, I don’t even think I can. He’s lost, and everyone sees it. He’s got some misguided righteous insanity that prohibits any forward progress.
My mother asked that we tell him of our second child, so she could make summer plans. So I did. And in that email, I actually gave him some rules this time. And the rules were essentially that he won’t have access to our children, given his current reputation for emotional abuse. But once there was a documented change of heart, which is a precursor for a change in behavior, his access would be restored.
My interpretation is that his (foolish) pride is inhibiting him from reconciliation. Which is an interesting debate--reconciliation. My mother corrects me and says that he is not emotionally capable of processing any of this. Maybe she’s right, although I would like to refuse to believe that people can’t change.
So--that’s that. We are estranging ourselves from an abusive patriarch. And as I’ve already written, I honestly wish I was making this all up. That I could simply admit to being a dufas. But I can’t. His behavior has been documented by others, and even recorded for anyone to hear. I don’t know what the final chapter will look like. I’ll likely approach him again (for the nth time) in 2009 (after tenure). Then, he’ll have the opportunity to jointly work this out via professional guidance, or continue his path of insanity. We’ll see what happens.
But in the meantime, we’re enjoying life. Doing our own thing. And we continue to receive great support from every other member in the family. The family sees everything for what it is, and copes with reality. Reality is reality, and it’s often what we make of it. I don’t like the situation, but I can’t knowingly put my child (or any child, for that matter) in an abusive situation.
I didn’t know shame until this situation, because I have never been ashamed of someone more. And I have never known boundaries until this situation, as I have since learned that boundaries function to protect us from them, as well as them from them.
posted by Greg | 7:34 PM
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